Breaths Upon a Wave

The waves of our breaths are the waves of love and life. With each breath we breath in with our breath the breath of life. We breath ut and we are touched by our own mortality of our sacred living body as our lungs bring in life and our hearts pump in through this amazing temple we  call our body. Here in moments of silent or stress we are reminded at a need intuitive level that our bodies will no longer be able to survive and I am reminded of the pace between here and the place our physcial bodies will no longer be needed...

When my loved ones passed I stood on the shore between our reality and what is to be for me in the future. I mourned them there from that shore staring at the wide spance seperating me from them as I watched the waves ebb and flow back and forth accross the waters surface as they drifted further and further from my sight, until they were gone over the horizin into the light of the setting sun. And there I stood in the silence and the void with only the gentle waves coming to shore lapping as the gentle salty water kissed and carressed my feet.And, as my breath released them it has released me just as the tide receeded and the sand began to dry I was able to witness the glory and beauty of where they went. Yet still knowing that wave that breath will always remind me we are all connected and will always be. That same breeze that guided my loved ones over the vary waves through the divide. That divide was so clearly present, so real and tangible. All I did was stand there, watching and matching my breaths to the waves remembering and feeling that gift of knowing of our connection, our bond since before time and eternity.

...As time goes by, I have witness the tide receeding with little tide pools breaming with life and wonder; rocks to climb for spectacular views of the sun's after glow filling the sky and my heart and soul with so much love and warmth that I will always have...


Namaste
December 20,2015

Post Notes: I stood there a long time waiting at that shore, for me it was exactly a year. There in my pain and sorrow I worked through those feeling of yearning to be with them as I breath them into me with each breath I felt their love, their life fill me and when I breathed out I felt my own imortality. The reminder that that it wasnt my time, I was so fragmented as I stood in the world we knew and peering into the light of the life I knew I will live. I didn't have a desire for death, only a desired to be with all my loved ones, the ones in this life sharing the same beach of life and those who have crossed the great divide now living in God's Light.

I recongnized the healing as I breathed out and knew that it was not meant for me to follow, the breath of God and my loved ones was meant to stay in me, with me. This was the most difficult time, the time when taking in a deep breath filled me with so much love and the release of that breath was anything but. I knew I had to breath for my bodies health, but I also knew I wanted to feel that breath constantly like a breezed blowing over my soul. The same breeze that guided my loved ones over the vary waves through the divide. That divide was so clearly present, so real and tangible. All I did was stand there, watching and matching my breaths to the waves and finding the love and peace in every gift of that breath that was given to me... . .   .    .

Writer's Notes: Please, over look my errors and any incompletelness in my writings. I dont really edit as I write. I write from my heart and soul, from the creative part of my brain. To switch over to my logic side is like the song "kick up the leaves and all the magic is gone"

I want to thank my Unka Dennis for inspiring me just to write and not get hung up in the presentation. Unka Dennis you were so right. Thank You!

One Year Later After Her Passing

***

This is not a memorial blog, but what I am sharing is my way to move forward after losing my beautiful little sister July 2014. I know others share the same loss and I wish you peace and may we all find the love and blessings during difficult times like the loss of a love one.

***


Here I am finally writing once again. Where have I been? Healing from the sudden loss of my little sister and I needed that time to feel as well as heal. I did both and it was hell and my biggest question was how was I ever going to live without her. Somewhere along the way I realized that I am not living without her, I am actually living with her. Her presence is so strong and beautiful that it over-whelmed my very being. There was never light at the end of the tunnel it was more like the tunnel became filled with light and I felt space to breath.

I guess my personal sadness were the walls of the tunnel built from each memory, every tear drop and every thought of a future without her in it.

The first year was full of first, first holidays, first visits, first time driving past the hospital, first time going for coffee. Revisiting all the places we had gone together was a heighten of her presence and a reminder of the lack of her physical presence.

As a family we are all so very close and during the year we helped each other through it and each of us would speak of our missing her and of memories we all shared. It is so difficult to balance between memories of the past and moving forward.

Moving forward felt like I was abandoning her, it felt like maybe I didn't love her enough. A part of me just wanted to stay where I was to love her and honor her. But that isn't what is meant to happen. The more I tried to hold back time the hard it became to stay in that place. So, September last year just two months after her passing, I started to move forward with my life and dragging her memories with me. When I felt sad, longing or happiness from thoughts of her I just felt them. I honored our bond, love and sisterhood we shared.

As the first year moved along and the holidays & birthdays passed one by one I began to feel relief. I felt relief with each one because I knew it was another hurdle to get over.

When May approached just two months before her passing anniversary I hit another rough patch. I thought we were all doing so well, and we were. It was like her spirit took a pause for awhile and then I invited her back. That was so rough and I felt her passing all over again, as I fast forwarded to her passing anniversary in July. I kept mixing up the past and the future. I kept revisiting the moments we spent with her. They were beautiful and tender and through that time, I accepted them as the blessing that they were. I chose not to have them as a negative memory. How can a time and space that was so filled with so much love be bad. It can't be bad, not for me. It was a gift that was so touching and it wasn't about me, it was all about my sister. I know she was present and felt our love for her. It was pure and at that time their was no sadness, only love.

We talked about the blessing of that time of healing and how grateful we were that we had it before the anniversary. By the time July approached we were looking back and forward, we weren't stuck in the void that July 5th represented. We were more like, we got this! Her life and presence is so much more important that one tragic day. That day will always be a reminder of when she had to go, but I am so grateful that it was her that got to go before me, that she didn't have to endure the loss we felt for her. As her big Sissy, even after life I still want to protect her and save her from hurt. I find much peace knowing she was spared further grieving.

I know my sister is still with us, just as my father is... . .  .   .

Namaste 

My Hero, My Sister

My Hero My Sister...

There are no words that can be found for the heart and the soul doesn't speak in words of daily life, but I will try...Melinda, my beloved little sister was wise beyond her years, the heart of love it's self & as equally as humble and a warrior who proudly faced each day each trial without any self pity or resentment fore she knew she was securely in Gods hands. In my heart I know Melinda never gave up or asked for parting from this life even though everyday was a struggle...She was so so very selfless to put her needs before any of us she loved...our mother, our father, her friends, our family, her niece & nephews, her sister, her brother-in-law and all the other warriors she supported and helped which were so many and her greatest legacy. As long as there was air to breath and people to love, her tenaciousness gave her strength to greet each new day with hope and faith...Our merciful and all loving Heavenly Father called her home...Today, I struggle with my own selfishness and my own personal loss, yet my heart is whispering joy and gratitude. And one day, my grief and sorrow will be put aside and my heart will shine brightly once more...

...Dear God let my little sister continue to be a beacon of light to remind us that life isn't a place to wage war on one another especially on one ones self, rather it's a place of honor, a privilege. She taught me it's a privilege to breath love in each breath and know God's love with each heart beat... . .  . I love you Melinda Brady and with each beat of my heart I am getting closer to you then life it's self, isn't this our natural progression?? You are still teaching me my little bratty Sissy <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 ... . .  .

Side Note:

On July 5, 2014 My hero, my sister, my friend suddenly passed away...who was Melinda Brady? She was a Christian, single, adoption counselor, phd in psychology (almost), 6 year cancer survivor, beautiful, sensitive, loved life & God, counselor and supports to other cancer survivors and a hell of a lot more. Physically this world as we know is one less a heart beat, yet all of us who's heart she touched beats stronger because of this tenacious, gracious and loving soul. Her life and story is a testament of what potential we all possess inside of each and everyone of us...

This picture was taken in the Butterfly Pavilion, Branson MO.