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This is not a memorial blog, but what I am sharing is my way to move forward after losing my beautiful little sister July 2014. I know others share the same loss and I wish you peace and may we all find the love and blessings during difficult times like the loss of a love one.
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Here I am finally writing once again. Where have I been? Healing from the sudden loss of my little sister and I needed that time to feel as well as heal. I did both and it was hell and my biggest question was how was I ever going to live without her. Somewhere along the way I realized that I am not living without her, I am actually living with her. Her presence is so strong and beautiful that it over-whelmed my very being. There was never light at the end of the tunnel it was more like the tunnel became filled with light and I felt space to breath.
I guess my personal sadness were the walls of the tunnel built from each memory, every tear drop and every thought of a future without her in it.
The first year was full of first, first holidays, first visits, first time driving past the hospital, first time going for coffee. Revisiting all the places we had gone together was a heighten of her presence and a reminder of the lack of her physical presence.
As a family we are all so very close and during the year we helped each other through it and each of us would speak of our missing her and of memories we all shared. It is so difficult to balance between memories of the past and moving forward.
Moving forward felt like I was abandoning her, it felt like maybe I didn't love her enough. A part of me just wanted to stay where I was to love her and honor her. But that isn't what is meant to happen. The more I tried to hold back time the hard it became to stay in that place. So, September last year just two months after her passing, I started to move forward with my life and dragging her memories with me. When I felt sad, longing or happiness from thoughts of her I just felt them. I honored our bond, love and sisterhood we shared.
As the first year moved along and the holidays & birthdays passed one by one I began to feel relief. I felt relief with each one because I knew it was another hurdle to get over.
When May approached just two months before her passing anniversary I hit another rough patch. I thought we were all doing so well, and we were. It was like her spirit took a pause for awhile and then I invited her back. That was so rough and I felt her passing all over again, as I fast forwarded to her passing anniversary in July. I kept mixing up the past and the future. I kept revisiting the moments we spent with her. They were beautiful and tender and through that time, I accepted them as the blessing that they were. I chose not to have them as a negative memory. How can a time and space that was so filled with so much love be bad. It can't be bad, not for me. It was a gift that was so touching and it wasn't about me, it was all about my sister. I know she was present and felt our love for her. It was pure and at that time their was no sadness, only love.
We talked about the blessing of that time of healing and how grateful we were that we had it before the anniversary. By the time July approached we were looking back and forward, we weren't stuck in the void that July 5th represented. We were more like, we got this! Her life and presence is so much more important that one tragic day. That day will always be a reminder of when she had to go, but I am so grateful that it was her that got to go before me, that she didn't have to endure the loss we felt for her. As her big Sissy, even after life I still want to protect her and save her from hurt. I find much peace knowing she was spared further grieving.
I know my sister is still with us, just as my father is... . . . .
Namaste
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